“Ask a Trans Person” Discussion Panel

Last night I attended a panel discussion presented by Equality Virginia called “Ask a Trans Person.”  As the founder of the Facebook group Queer-Friendly Interpreters and Translators, I decided I needed to go, whether it be for networking or just jotting down some notes that may answer some questions my group members may have.

Whether we like it or not, as interpreters we will likely interpret for a transgender person one day, if we haven’t already (and may not even know it).  As a medical interpreter, I found the portion of the discussion in which the panelists spoke about their experiences within the United States Healthcare system absolutely disheartening.  A patient shouldn’t have to worry about their interpreter possibly being one more source of judgment and insensitivity.

Below you will find a bulleted list of important points, followed by a more detailed synopsis of the discussion.

Important Points

• Some transgender people are okay with being called a “transgender man” or a “transgender woman,” however this does not apply to every trans person and some trans people will take offense to it.
• You probably know transgender people and not even know it.  You may think you’re not hurting anyone with your transphobia, but you are.
• There is a lack of legal protections for trans people at both a state (Virginia) and federal level.  A person can be denied housing, fired from a job, or even denied medical care simply for being trans and it is perfectly legal.  The same goes for all members of the LGBT community.
• Avoid the old adage that trans people are “born in the wrong body” and referring to a trans person as “passing.”
• Trans people are not asking to be treated any differently. Cisgender people get referred to by their pronouns and get to use the bathroom that corresponds with their gender, so trans people should be able to as well.
• I highly encourage reading the section “How can I support trans people?”  It cannot be condensed!
• “Your gender identity is who you go to bed as and your sexual orientation is who you go to bed with.”

Detailed Summary: “Ask a Trans Person”

I arrived a few minutes late to the panel, but I caught the tail end of reviewing a worksheet on transgender terminology that the audience split up into groups to fill out.  I actually became a little confused, even a bit offended at the fact that the worksheet defined “trans man” and “trans woman” as “the affirming way to refer to a person who identifies as a [man/woman] but was assigned [female/male] at birth.”  I always avoid prefacing the words “man” or “woman” with “trans” because trans women are women, and trans men are men.  An audience member raised this concern and the person leading this discussion stated that both are correct.  All three panel members confirmed that they consider themselves trans men or trans women.  The audience member in front of me scoffed, whispering to their companions, “Please don’t ever call me a trans man.  I’m a man.”  While I will continue omitting “trans” as a qualifier before the words “man” or “woman,” I am now certainly aware that some trans people are okay with it.

This points towards what the person leading the panel discussion (the moderator, if you will) announced afterwards: the opinions expressed by the panelists are just that, opinions.  The panelists do not represent all transgender people, and it is important to recognize this.

The second part of the panel consisted of the moderator posing pre-selected questions and the panelists responding.  The panelists consisted of a white trans woman in her 50’s, a 21 year-old white trans man, and an African American trans woman in her 40’s.  I have omitted names because one of the panelists fears their employer will learn of their status as a trans person.

For readability, I will share questions and answers as a bulleted list.

What is the biggest or most common misconception about trans people?

• A big misconception is that trans women of color are all sex workers. As a result of oppression and being marginalized, some trans women are sex workers out of economic necessity.
• How many trans people there are. One panel member pointed out that most people they know do not know they are a trans man.
• That (trans) women can still ride motorcycles. One panelist is a motorcycle mechanic and once they transitioned a few long-time clients asked if they could still ride a motorcycle.  While the panelist was happy that their femininity was being affirmed, they were also taken aback by their newfound experience with sexism.

How has the lack of legal protections for transgender people in both Virginia and at a national level affected you?

• A lot of people don’t know about this lack of legal protection. While it is against the law to discriminate based on many different factors (age, sex, religion, etc.) it is perfectly legal to discriminate against LGBT folks.
• Among protections that transgender people don’t have are: losing and being denied housing, losing and being denied jobs, and being barred from homeless shelters. One person on the panel mentioned they were fired 6 months after coming out.  Another panel member did not want their employer to know they were participating in the panel for fear of retribution.
• A few panelists stated many of their transgender friends had been discriminated against.
• Inappropriate questions are commonplace and there is no recourse.
• A panel member was unable to rent office space for their LGBT nonprofit organization and subjected to many invasive questions about the types of people who would be coming to the space (LGBT folks, HIV+ folks).
• Discrimination against transgender people is real and prevalent. One panelist expressed guilt (repeatedly throughout the discussion) about their transition being easier than the others on the panel and their transgender friends.

What do you wish the public knew about transgender people?

• “We are human beings, just like everyone else.”
• One panel member encouraged folks to avoid the old adage that trans people are just “born in the wrong body.”
• Trans people are not asking to be treated any differently. Cisgender people get referred to by their pronouns and get to use the bathroom that corresponds with their gender, so trans people should be able to as well.
• Trans people are not going to the bathroom with malicious intent; they’re just going to use the restroom!
• Being trans is not a choice. Trans is how they are born and their only choice is whether or not to live their life authentically.  If being trans were a choice, why would trans people choose to lose their family members, experience discrimination, and experience violence?  One panelist said, “We’re just living our truth.”

The next series of questions were posed by audience members, either anonymously on notecards before the beginning of the panel or during the end of the panel via microphone.

How can I best support trans people even if I’m not comfortable approaching them or am not close to any trans people?

• If you hear someone say something derogatory towards trans people, correct them. An example mentioned was correcting someone purposefully using the wrong pronouns for someone.
• Support trans-positive political candidates.
• Stand up for trans people and call people out. By not standing up for trans people, you can even be encouraging the anti-trans behavior.
• Show up to events like this panel.
• Learn! Educate yourself on how to address trans people and on what questions are appropriate (and inappropriate).  One panelist mentioned just how much pronouns mean to them.
• If you are in a position to offer jobs to trans people, do it. If you’re in a position to affirm and uplift, do it.  Trans people need it.
• Give visible support. Place a sticker from Equality Virginia in your business window to show that you are LGBT-friendly.
• Give money to organizations that benefit the transgender community.
• Have conversations and change minds.

What if I don’t want to offend you?  How do I address you?

• Just ask!
• All panelists encouraged cisgender folks to introduce yourself with your pronouns in order to normalize the practice.

What is life like for you on a daily basis?

• One panel member said life was no different for her, that she “put [her] pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else.” The 21-year-old trans man confirmed this, but stated that most people don’t know that they are trans, then gestured to the African American trans woman, stating that life for some trans people can and will be different.
• The same panel member as above said the main difference for her was being able to tap in to “female power” post-transition. Assigned male at birth, showing emotion was taboo, so to her she now has the freedom to do so as a woman.
• The trans man amended their previous statement, claiming the only real difference for them post-transition was giving themselves an injection of testosterone on a daily basis.
• The African American trans woman says that when she travels, she has to pay attention and be hyper-sensitive to her surroundings because of the slew of cases of trans women being murdered. She also commented that it seems the African American community is more prone to violence against trans people.  She pointed out that trans people have different experiences, especially once white privilege or male privilege come in to play.

The panel members had a brief discussion about why they hated the term “passing.”  Passing is when a trans person is seemingly indistinguishable from a cisgender person.

What sort of interaction, if any, is there between sexual orientation and your gender identity?

• A friend told a panel member a quote they’ll never forget: your gender identity is who you go to bed as and your sexual orientation is who you go to bed with.
• One panel member said one had nothing to do with the other.
• Contrary to what seems to be popular belief, you can be both trans and gay/lesbian. You can be a trans man and attracted to men.  You can be a trans woman attracted to women.
• “You like what you like and you identify as you identify, right?” posed one panel member as a rhetorical question. She responded, “So do we!”

How did you choose your names?

• One of the trans women said their best friend and cousin both knew she was trans from a young age. They both told her what her name would be “when she became a lady.”
• The young trans man used to play an online game called Club Penguin and was really excited when they could make their character a boy. The name they gave that character is the name he uses.
• The other trans woman uses their “dead name” but with a different spelling. She stated that her finding her name was very emotional and a friend showed it to her.  Her middle name sounds very similar to her old middle name.  It was very important to her to choose a name that “flowed” and rolled off the tongue.

When was the moment you knew?  The moment that everything sort of crystallized?

• One trans woman said she knew when she was 3 years old, although she is over 55 now. At that time there were no terms like there are now.  As she grew up, she would wear her mom’s clothes and wonder why she would do it.  Eventually she would read some articles that would help her understand.
• The young trans man emphasized that he was lucky to have the internet growing up. When he was younger, he didn’t even know that transgender people existed.  Upon finding out about trans people through an internet search, it immediately resonated with him.  As a child having just learned to speak, he would often tell his parents, “God messed up,” and his mom thought he was just a tomboy.
• The last panel member grew up not liking “boy” toys and had a series of revelations. When she was 11 years old, there was a commercial on TV that featured trans people dancing.  She would stay up late at night trying to catch the commercial on TV and her mom would get upset with her.  At 17, everything kind of “clicked” for her.  She would go out to clubs to see and meet trans people and drag queens.

Dating as a cisgender person is crazy!  How is it as a trans person?  If someone you’re dating or considering dating doesn’t know you’re trans, when do you disclose to them?

• One of the trans women expressed that dating is extremely different for trans women, especially trans women of color. She said, “men seem to fetishize us” yet she doesn’t want to put herself in a situation where someone is not okay with who she is.  She expressed the importance of others knowing her status.
• The other trans woman said that their policy is to be “loud and proud” but has not had a date in over 10 years. While she admits she’s lonely, she admits that she’s a loner and has a very busy life.
• The trans man disclosed to his girlfriend via text that he was trans. He was terrified of what her response would be but was surprised when she texted back, “Ok, what are we doing for dinner?”
• Dating is very lonely, especially in black culture in which a lot of people are religious and claim LGBT people are an “abomination of god.” Many men are “on the DL.”  When you set standards, you end up by yourself.

How do I help trans kids and other trans people to build confidence?

• One trans woman said that one day they opened their mouth to talk and from then on didn’t stop talking. She found herself at a crossroads at one point: either kill herself or open up and talk.
• There is not a lot someone can do to give you courage. A panel member had 4 marriages hoping their exes would “fix” them.
• Be supportive and encouraging.
• Sometimes people confused confidence with courage. One panel member insisted that they’re not courageous, just confident.

Where are some other spaces I can step up as an ally to trans people?

• The religious community. Lots of trans people are religious, but the majority of them have likely quit houses of worship after their transition.  The Methodists are divided in half: unconditionally accepting versus condemning trans folks.  Religion is coming around and it has to.  Your religion cannot remain unchanged from 3000 years ago.
• Healthcare settings.
  • Some men have vaginas and need OBGYN care. The trans man shared a story about debilitating ovarian cysts in which they were denied care by multiple providers, even though they could not walk at times, simply for being trans.  When a provider finally took him seriously, they scheduled the surgery quickly but the day before the surgery they told him he had to provide a letter from a psychiatrist stating he was mentally competent enough to consent to the surgery.
  • One of the trans woman shared an anecdote of an experience in the emergency room. She was repeatedly questioned by one of the physicians at a Catholic hospital about her medications and admitted she was on estrogen for hormone replacement therapy.  The doctor kept on asking why until she admitted she was trans.  The doctor then asked an extremely inappropriate question and left.
• Primary and higher education. In universities, trans students can have issues with housing and professors can repeatedly refer to students with incorrect pronouns with no consequences.  In high school, trans students are virtually barred from playing sports.  There are absolutely no protections for trans students.

“No one knows I’m trans but make transphobic jokes around me.”

What was the most difficult part of physically transitioning?

• The African American trans woman said when she was transitioning that finding a place was extremely difficult. Although she grew up in Richmond, she had to go to Baltimore to be able to get hormone replacement therapy.
• If you go out of state to transition, you’re out of network for your insurance coverage.
• Years ago, people would have “pumping parties” in hotels and private residences where people would inject freebase silicone into their face, chest, and butt. Back then, this was the only option for people who wanted facial feminization.